Fear and Self Loathing

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Fear is the driving force that inspires most things in our lives.
Fear is so powerful that it controls almost all the things that we do and the ways in which we think. It’s incredible to imagine that something with so much power to inspire is the kryptonite that cripples us.

Fear is the thing that prevents us from knowing our truth. It allows us to cling to old ideas and beliefs in order to maintain a paradigm that does not serve us, but keeps us comfortably numb. This fear and self-denial becomes the cornerstone of a life built on misrepresentation. Avoidance by fear obscures pathways that lead to overcoming pain and suffering —the same suffering that we choose to believe doesn’t exist.

Fear is at the core of our issues relating to denial, bullying, and self-loathing. It is usually the reason why we choose blame over trying to understand why we react in the ways that we do. The subconscious reason for blame is a fear in confronting our own failings and having to admit self-deception. We desperately avoid situations that will lead to the discovery that we are the cause of our own suffering—this is the root of fear.

For more insights and pathways that lead to a greater understanding of self, look for my book Toxic Rainbows.

About the photo: The photo memes I create address topics of communication breakdown and other concepts which are deeply tied to our post-internet lives.  These and other issues are discussed at  more length in my book.  More ideas and memes can be seen on my Instagram account.

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Self Transformation Can Get Ugly


TRIGGEREDI have become fascinated by horror movies where people are transformed into monsters. The idea that a poison takes over or a contamination turns someone into a fiendish creature is an interesting theme for a movie, but the reality is that we are doing it to ourselves quite openly all the time.

Triggered. Child tantrums have made way for adult meltdowns and seriously low karmic behavior goes from the periodic to standard practice. We use labels and fear to justify our behavior, opt for selective outrage and express intolerance for anyone who refuses to take part in our rage.

Self Transformation and goals of attaining greater consciousness and atunement with Divine energy requires the type of self reflection and contemplation that results in clarity.  Without clarity and awareness, we can’t see or experience our actual reality and our emotions blind us and prevent us from experiencing equilibrium and happiness.

Maintaining balance in a world that appears designed to throw us off our game is not always easy even when we are fully aware of our triggers. Instinctively we yearn for balance. Tension, hostility, doubt, uncertainty, fear…all these things are byproducts of the misery brought on by a lack of balance.

It is a Law of Nature that if you express hatred and anger, that’s what you get more of in your life. It will even express itself in the way you look. We all owe it to ourselves to calm the beast within and understand that the real monsters are not exterior to us.

The image here is from the 80s horror film The Beast Within and the title should  be reflected on by anyone who struggles with responsibility and blame.

Your personal growth and self-transformation is going to take more than repeating a few inspirational quotes and jumping on a culty New Age bandwagon. It might get ugly before the rainbows and unicorns start appearing. But never fear, you are not alone.

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Finding Yourself

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We all want to understand our purpose and for most of us that will require a process of change and self transformation. Positive change will shake the effects of our influences and will bring about a greater understanding of our habits and motivations.

Lasting change is a process that includes a strong desire, dedication, reflection and will.

Your greatest first challenge is in understanding who you are. I am not talking about the labels that are imposed upon you by society. I’m talking about the inner you that only you can know.

Surviving the New Babylon first means finding yourself among the masses, extricating yourself and discovering the individual buried beneath the labels, peer pressure and expectations of others.

Discovering your true inner self means letting go of what you think you know and believe in and to simply start over.  That means spending time reflecting and in meditation. Giving time to youself and your thoughts alone.

You will begin to better understand your emotions and why you perceive things the way that you do. Connecting with your inner self, remembering things and making connections to your past will give you insight into why certain triggers can easily upset you or why some things put you in unusually good moods.

Reflection is a stage of work that will allow you to live with greater awareness. You will come to conclusions and make decisions more consciously, instead of allowing your inner conscious, or subconscious to make decisions for you. You will start to trust yourself more and believe in your intuition. Many wonderful things will start to happen, but you have to start laying the groundwork and that requires time and commitment.

I hope you will find some inspiration in this short post. There is a lot more to be said on the subject and I will continue posting on the process of self transformation regularly. This will also be covered in greater depth in my book, Post-Sanity: Surviving the New Babylon which will initially be released as an e-book. I am aiming for a Nov-Dec release, so stay tuned, follow along and believe in your transformation and when you do, you’ll start noticing big changes. I guarantee it.

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Where Fear Resides

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I’ve been writing a lot about change as it’s associated with our personal growth and there is much to be said on this subject, but for now I just wanted to drop a quick thought that occurred to me about it.

We’ve all heard about being fearless and taking risks that test our boundaries of comfort. We do things to gain strength and overcome the fear itself. But it occurred to me that the greatest fear that most people have is not something like asking someone out on a date, standing up for ourselves or merging into fast moving traffic. Our greatest fears lie in honestly confronting ourselves.

Confronting ourselves requires a dedication in wanting to make changes that we know deeply effect our thinking, reasoning and emotions. It means understanding ourselves better, it means addressing feelings and issues that may be uncomfortable and unpleasant.

We fear the secrets we keep buried deep down and if we’re honest, we know that by understanding our deeper selves some of our current beliefs and feelings will change. We instinctively know that a paradigm shift can be painful and disruptive, but in order to elevate ourselves and grow in a way that improves our lives and relationships, we must do that work.

So when we think about confronting our fears, let’s start with the big one and ask ourselves those hard questions. What is important? What is my purpose? Why do I feel the way I do? Why do I react the way I do? What really matters to me? Am I happy? Am I being honest with myself?

And always remember, you are never alone.

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Are You Being Vampirized?

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I had a dream last night about an old friend. He was my best friend for 5 or 6 years.   We worked on creative projects together, we were even roommates for a while. But something happened and our friendship devolved into an energy-sucking one-way street.

I had moved to the opposite coast and noticed that our telephone conversations were becoming more and more one-sided and would end when he was done saying everything he needed to say. This went on for some time until I finally explained that we couldn’t be friends anymore. We got off the phone and I haven’t spoken to him since.

This was a very good friend and one I’ve thought about over the years, wondering how he was and what he was up to. Even now, 20 years later, I’m dreaming about the guy, still not knowing how he is, but confident that ending the friendship that was going nowhere needed to happen.

You might think that if you are such good friends with someone like this that you can overlook certain character flaws and behaviors that always put you second to their needs, but good friends don’t do that.

I was only able to end this friendship because I had just gone through an experience where I understood how it’s possible to be victimized by a vampire. Of course, I’m not talking about the kind that cringe at the sight of crosses and avoid daylight, I’m talking about psychic vampires.

I had started a job where I was assigned an office, a closet really, a tiny little space that fit a 12′ table and two small cube-shaped Apple computers. I shared this space with someone I really liked. A funny guy, a writer who loved to talk, loved to share and share and share. After a couple of months I noticed how exhausted I was after work. The work itself was a breeze, but I’d leave work completely depleted of all energy.

It got to the point where I dreaded going into this closet office. I really liked this co-worker friend, but it was like being an audience of one to a stand-up comedian doing an 8-hour schtick. That was vampirism.

He got all of his needs met. He had a captive audience. He got the responses he wanted. He got admiration and I laughed at the right times. I didn’t even get a T-shirt out of it, but I did learn something about people and about myself. I learned that people need validation at any expense and I learned that sometimes you have to say good-bye to people you love.

In the dream I had last night, it was the first time I’d seen my friend since we stopped being friends 20 years ago. There was a vibe that that was the past and we’re here now.  I was shocked when he introduced me to his twin brother. There were now TWO of my friends in front of me. I wondered why he never told me he had a twin and when I woke up I wondered what it could mean. Perhaps it meant that he’s a different person now and we can be friends again. If he knocked on my front door, I’d certainly give him a hug and ask him in, but I’d find out if it was the new twin or the old friend.

Ending relationships that serve no purpose is not easy, but sometimes it’s necessary. And if we’re lucky, they will mend over time and we can pick up where we left off.

 

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Are You In Hell?

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SOURCE: Samhain, #6.

You might gather by my use of the imagery above that this is not necessarily a fuzzy rainbows and group hug New Age spirituality blog. Like tough love, tough graphics work  to get a point across too so time and again I will likely be using some unconventional visuals to accompany my writing.

When I came across this photo from Clive Barker’s Hellraiser it reminded me of why I started doing the work that I’m doing.

When you become more in tune with your true inner being; when awareness shifts and your priorities change, more meaning can be gathered from your every day experiences.  Subtlties scream out. You begin to see people a bit differently and sense something about them that maybe they are not even aware of. You start to see the dissatisfaction around you. There is a sense of loss that people exude. They think the emptiness can be filled by jumping on causes, binge watching tv, downloading a new App or getting more ‘likes’ on a post. It’s a never ending battle to find and express meaning in a world where our digital cries for attention are replaced by something else within seconds of our putting them out there.

Besides the hellish digital world in which we live, I have started to feel as if hell really is on earth. From hateful music and horrible television programming that is passed off as entertainment, to the casual sexualizing of children and the constant calls for violence and fear mongering in the news and on late night, it’s enough to make you pause and wonder. How did we become so desensitized to violence and so quick to desregard the thoughts and opinions of others in favor of expressing our displeasure in everything? Is it the meds, programming or simply a distraction from doing what really needs to be done? (And we know what that is.)

When I was a kid in the 80s, a holdover line from the late-70s was ‘Kill the Hippies!’. Back then it was funny, it was a joke that nobody would every actually follow through on, it was punk rock.  Now we’ve lost our sense of humor as well as our reasoning.

Let’s rise above the cesspool, find that person deep within and nuture him or her. Give your love and attention to the person that matters most, you. Let’s come to some conclusions and understanding by consulting ourselves. Let’s understand our motives and feelings. Let’s use our reasoning abilities and cognitive skills instead of acting out emotionally.  We need to find our purpose and get a better understanding of why we are here in the first place.

Things in the world will never be perfect, but we can at least try to get to a place that feels better within ourselves and it’s not going to happen when we focus on everything else besides what’s going on within–and that’s the work that needs to be done.

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Just Suffer

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SUFFERING. When I was a kid we used to say, “Suffer!” as a way of saying, “Too bad, deal with it.” I thought it was funny back then, but now it’s all too painfully real.

We NEED to experience emotional pain in order to understand what it’s like to be free from it and to overcome it. We do ourselves a disservice when we shield our children from experience and every unpleasantness. We fall deeper into a despair that we can’t begin to fathom when we choose to cover our real and imagined problems with medication, labels or a host of other distractions.

We literally need to suffer through things in order to overcome them. That’s how we get stronger and that’s how we grow. So the next time someone tells you to ‘suffer’ just say, ‘Ok, no problem.’.

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Accept This Truth

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I have been trying to get my point across for as long as I can remember.  I have lingering memories of questioning things and wanting answers, my Lilliputian defiance demanded it. It’s no surprise that this photo came to mind as I considered the starting point for this blog.

Even here at the age of four, I can almost recall a sense of knowing something about the world that was not told to me, but was just there in my mind to ask about and then confront adults when their actions veered from the sensical.

I’ve learned a lot since this time and am much less confrontational. I’ve come to understand that there is no such thing as a single truth and that each person creates his own version of what truth is, whether it is based in reality or not.

One of our purposes in life is to understand truth, but in order to grasp this, we first need to know ourselves. When we think about knowing ourselves, it doesn’t mean the labels we attach to our physical being–parent, teacher, friend, traveler, advisor, mechanic,  activist, artist…the labels are infinite. And neither are we our sex, race, marital status or gender.

Labels we use to describe ourselves are great on forms, statistics and classification. They function as a means of telling other people where you fit on the pie chart. All media, advertisers and politicians will then find you on this pie chart from hell and tell you how you should be feeling, what you should accept or reject, what you can be happy or upset about and ‘Don’t worry because we know you, so you don’t have to’.

Knowing yourself is work. Stepping away from cultural and familial pressures and expectations is work. Finding your purpose and discovering your true inner self is work, but there is no better work than inner work.

In the past few years I have gone through some dramatic change and have had some intense inner discoveries. My life and worldview has dramatically improved. I have clarity where there was once uncertainty and distraction and as I continue to move forward I would like nothing more than for others to be on a path of discovery right along with me.

Like the mouthy child in the photo above, I have much more to say and will be sharing my insights, thoughts and personal experiences with anyone who cares to hear about them. I encourage comments and questions as well.

Updates and progress on my book, POST-SANITY will also be posted here. FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM, TOO!

– JIM

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